Food For Thought
by Pellegrina
Summary: Lisbon and Jane spend the evening together after the events in "Blood Feud". It turns out to be a cathartic talk between the two slightly estranged friends... They discuss some serious topics, but in true Jane-Lisbon style - with the necessary sense of humor. There's food involved as well - the apt reader might recognise the spoilers... First part of my story arc.
1. Chapter 1

This was supposed to be short episode tag to „Blood feud" - a conversation between Jane and Lisbon focussing on Rigsby. But it obviously had a mind of its own: Somehow it turned into a four chapter piece. Now it contains a cathartic talk between two slightly estranged friends after a difficult time for both of them, which has been long overdue. There's not much action involved, and mostly, some rather heavy topics are being discussed. Still, there's quite a bit of humour as well, to compensate for the seriousness, and because, let's face it, those two just need their banter. Some might say, Lisbon and Jane are OOC in this fic. But I like to think, that they actually have their moments of pure honesty and frankness with each other, where they allow themselves to reveal weaknesses, even though we don't see so much of it in the show. It's focussing on their friendship, but there're hints at something more between them... Even though it's a dialogue for the most part, it conveys Lisbon's point of view.

Anyway, as this started out as an episode tag, chronologically it's following the events in „Blood feud" and contains some spoilers as well.

And, of course, unfortunately, I do not own „The Mentalist", and I have to admit, that I'm very envious of Bruno Heller because of this... So, that I can borrow those wonderful characters for a little while is my only consolation...

Please excuse the mistakes – I'm still no native speaker and there's really no hope that I'll ever be.

Reviews are very welcome. I'm still very new to this whole writing-stories-myself-business and I would really appreciate some feedback.

**Food for thought **

**Chapter 1 – You can't make an omlett without breaking the eggs**

Half an hour after agent LaRoche had left Lisbon's office, found the two remaining occupants still in the same positions he had discovered them in: The senior agent hard at work, her consultant sitting close by on the edge of her desk watching her with a look of incomprehension crossing his handsome face approximately every five minutes. The rest of the time, his expression varied from fond sympathy to infinite boredom. From time to time, she would glance up at him from her papers with a sigh, something he always responded to with an evil smirk.

„That one's due to me, again, right?" he would ask proudly.

And she would give him an annoyed nod and return to her work. Another half hour passed in that manner, before Lisbon straightened up in her chair with a groan: „Hmh, Jane? Would you mind giving me a proper demonstration on how that perfectly cooked meal you talked about earlier, could possibly be connected with a change in my attitude towards paperwork?"

„Is that your subtle attempt to make me cook dinner for you tonight, agent Lisbon?" he mocked her.

She gave him the Lisbon-death-glare nr. 23, the ‚You're really close to dying, mister, and you better give me a very good reason to let you live'-look, before she answered: „Well, after all this ‚superfluous' filing, most of it due to your horseplay, I'm as hungry as a hunter. And who knows, you might even convince me that I should refrain from doing more of this trench work tomorrow night. As an extra bonus, as long as you're preparing food for me, you won't be able to do anything else to cause me even more paperwork..."

His subsequent grin wasn't at all reassuring to her: „Oh, I don't know. I'm sure, you're underestimating me. I could easily find something unlawful to do while cooking. As it is, I could even come up with something bordering on the illegal before the actual cooking starts. How about swiping some groceries at the store?"

„Fortunately, my fridge is brimmed with food. I made the mistake of going shopping with Van Pelt after yoga. In a weak moment, she managed to guilt-trip me into trying for a healthier lifestyle. You know, like doing my own cooking." She wrinkled her nose in obvious disgust: „I have honestly no idea how to get a grip on all those greens and what not. You gonna help?", Lisbon countered him with a pleased smile.

„Ah, yes, dangerous woman, our Grace. Are you really inviting me into your apartment and your kitchen, Lisbon? How could I ever resist a temptation like that? Snooping around in you inner sanctum with your full permission? You're definitely on!" He looked like a gleeful child.

„No snooping, mister! You have an important job to do, no time for any of your usual mischief." she replied in a no-nonsense tone of voice.

„There's the real beauty of it – I might be a man, but I'm still fully capable of multi-tasking, when the need arises. But don't fret – I already know all there is to know about your home. So, if you didn't do a full redecoration and added a big bunch of new things during the last weeks, I think, I'll be able to restrain myself tonight." Jane was sporting a very unusual expression for him, that Lisbon had a difficult time to read. She seemed to recognize both guilt and insecurity and decided to wheedle an explanation out of him. Normally, the best course of action to reach that goal with the blond man, was to fake complete indifference. So she decided to do just that: „I won't ask, no I won't..."

„Ask me what, Lisbon?" he promptly inquired.

„No, I won't ask and I really don't want to know, either..." she added as further bait.

The consultant whined: „Ah, come on, I know you're dying to know how I could've possibly gained all my insights into Lisbon-world."

Now she had him exactly where she wanted him. And on to the final punch: „Jaaaaaaaane!"

„Okay, if you're not interested, I won't tell you." he pouted.

Satisfied, she mock-threatened him: „Spit it out or I'll use your beloved leather couch as firewood in the next CBI summer break bonfire."

„What an utterly spiteful thing to threaten me with! You're getting nastier every year! But you wouldn't do that to Berta, would you? She feels threatened enough by the presence of lovely Linda here in your office. No need to be extra cruel. She might be a bit old, but she still has a heart that can break, you know?"

She relished his complacent smirk and congratulated herself on a job well done: „So, I'll just punch your nose as usual then."

And just as expected, he caved in: „Alright, alright, no violence necessary. I'll spill the beans. But you won't like it."

„Jane, you didn't do something creepy like breaking into my apartment and watching me sleep at night, did you?" she asked, a touch of real worry entering her voice.

Her friend replied with genuine indignation: „Ah, come on, Lisbon, I'm not a perv. And no breaking was involved. I got the key from your janitor."

„What?!" the agent exclaimed in anger.

Jane, satisfied with having gained back the upper hand, couldn't stop himself from adding fuel to the fire: „Yes, very likeable fellow, by the way, maybe a bit gullible. But I found that rather endearing and convenient. We hit it off right from the start."

At this point, Lisbon really wanted to get to the bottom of this: „When did you get into my place and what the hell did you have to do there?"

„Well, you might find it a tad uncanny, but please don't punch me too hard, will you? Promise me!" he showed signs of honest uncertainty and even some candid fear.

The blond man's reply didn't do anything to allay her growing aggravation: „I'm not promising anything! This is starting to sound really shady, Jane. If you don't come up with a very convincing explanation ASAP, I'll do more than punch you!"

He took a deep breath and in a show of completely alien behaviour for him, he averted his eyes in obvious shame for a moment. He stood up from his place at her desk and went over to her sofa instead, evidently in need of putting some space between them. He sat down, examining his hands in his lap irresolutely, before he seemed to come to a decision. Subsequently, he looked her straight in the eyes with honest sincerity: „The truth it is then. But before I start, please let me stress, that I am really sorry, okay?"

And when she gave him an encouraging nod, he carried on: „It was during my time in Vegas. I knew you were on a case out of town because it was on the news and I felt truly down at that point. And I was pretty sure I wasn't under any surveillance from any of Red John's minions at the time, because I was supposed to be totally wasted, had taken the rear exit out of the motel, left my car in the parking lot there and used a, well, sort of borrowed car to Sacramento. So, I knew, I couldn't contact you directly, I was afraid my cell phone wasn't clean and neither was yours, but you'd left another of those messages on my mailbox and I missed you. So I went to the next best thing, your apartment, to feel some kind of proximity."

He risked a short glance at her and deemed it safe to continue: „The janitor actually recognized me from the times I'd been there with you, and when I suggested to him that you'd have to stay somewhere else overnight and that you'd left a few important things at home and had entrusted me with bringing them to you, he opened the door for me."

Another glance at his friend confirmed that she was well on her way to exploding, so he tried to placate her a bit: „I'm really sorry I invaded your privacy like that, Lisbon. And I know, there's no excuse, but I felt so damn lonely and I was close to giving up. I just had to do something. But I honestly only spent a few hours on your couch – it smells delightfully of you, by the way. And I didn't snoop, scout's honour." he concluded his confession.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 – Out of the frying pan and into the fire**

Lisbon didn't really know how to react to his words. A part of her felt a deep sense of compassion for him, but in the end, her anger at his selfish scheme was still too raw and prevailed over her sympathy: „I don't believe it! You felt down? YOU FELT DOWN? I don't feel like merely punching you, I should much rather shoot you, you bastard! Do you have the slightest idea how I felt at the time? How distraught and worried I was?" Pausing for a moment, she bristled with anger, before continuing: „Let me summarize this, Jane: You came to Sacramento in a stolen car, hypnotized my janitor, violated my privacy and abused an innocent piece of furniture because YOU FELT DOWN? You've got to be kidding!"

„It sounds so crude when you put it like this..." sheepishly, he tried to lighten the mood. One look at his friend's face, though, told him, that it wasn't the time for it yet. So he continued in a subdued manner: „But in all honesty, Lisbon, I know it was completely uncondonable, especially considering what I put you through during that time. I know, I've only ever given you that half-assed apology back at the prison, when we were waiting for Lorelei. I'm not good at this saying sorry stuff."

„No kidding!" she interjected in a huff.

Jane send her an apologetic half-smile: „Words are not nearly sufficient to express my feelings on that matter anyway. But for what it's worth, Lisbon: I am sorry I caused you so much grief and for being such a lousy friend and for giving you the impression that I didn't care for you and the other guys on the team. I really appreciate what you've done for me."

He added in a meek voice: „I have no illusions that our friendship is back to were it was before I pulled my stunt, but I dearly hope I'll gain your forgiveness and maybe even some of your trust again with time. The very fact, that you asked me to your place today means a lot to me, Lisbon."

He paused shortly, but opted to continue: „So, I thought, I should come clean about my little indiscretion beforehand. That way, it's up to you whether you'll hold on to that invitation or not. I'd perfectly understand, if you don't want me there anymore. But if you do, I promise, I'll cook you the best dinner Van Pelt's health craze allows for, and I'll even do the dishes afterwards." As an afterthought he added: „And, no snooping."

Lisbon was truly impressed by his open words. She couldn't remember ever hearing him talking with such raw emotion. Truth be told, she had to admit to herself that she was touched by the frankness of her normally tight-lipped consultant. It flattered her that this secretive man would trust her with his concession of personal weakness. It gave her back some of her lost faith in their friendship. Thus, she decided to let him off the hook a bit: „At least you listened to my accusations this time and didn't just up and leave like the coward you are, the way you did in church that time. And your apology sounded surprisingly sincere..."

She saw his relief at her words. It was like watching at least ten years worth of new worry lines smoothing out on his face. And that's when she allowed herself to really look at him for the first time since his vanishing act seven months ago. She wasn't happy with what she saw. He looked exhausted and lost. But it was, when he gave her a genuine little smile that actually reached his eyes for once, that she knew, she had forgiven him. And she opted for telling him so: „Well, I've had some time now to come to terms with this whole Vegas fiasco, and though I'm not over it yet, I kind of understand why you thought you had to do it that way. It still hurts that you didn't trust me with the truth, but in a way, your reasoning was sound. After the Panzer case, it was a logical conclusion to assume that Red John might hope for a new form for relationship with you. That he might have suspected that you where on your way to become progressively more like him. Honestly, sometimes even I think so."

Obviously, he had decided to continue in the spirit of honest explanations, because he willingly elaborated on the subject: „Fair enough, Lisbon, fair enough. I guess, I have changed, have become more ruthless, but there're still some lines I would never cross and some sacrifices I'm not willing to make. I hope, you know that. I had no other idea how to stop Panzer and I admit to setting him up. But I was desperate at the time and I was quite ambivalent about it, mainly because I didn't want to give Darcy even more fodder for her false conclusions. I knew, Red John's arrogance wouldn't allow him to ignore Panzer's hubris. And I suspected he would watch the show and understand what I was doing. But I was very afraid of the consequences – namely giving Darcy more reasons to doubt that Timothy Carter was Red John. On the other hand, I saw a chance to prove that I could manipulate him for a change. He did exactly what I expected him to do."

Jane looked at her in remembered awe and exclaimed: „For the first time, he did something totally predictable, Lisbon. And he made sure to let me know, that he felt some kinship with me. Stiles confirmed that. He told me – at least between the lines – that Red John had found my set-up to be, and I quote here, ‚almost elegant and that I was coming along'. We both know, that there is some connection between Stiles and Red John, so at that point, I knew that he was pretty much convinced I was on the cusp of turning into a ruthless monster, a colleague of sorts. Someone he could ensnare into joining him. Which gave me the chance to manipulate him again. Hence the whole Vegas breakdown scenario."

He paused for a moment before he continued in a more sober voice: „And I would've succeeded if it wasn't for that damn mole in the FBI! He must have had someone stake Darcy very closely. I should've predicted it, after O'Laughlin and all that. It was a completely stupid oversight on my part. Well, I guess I only have to thank myself for it and pay the price now – six month of alienating the only family I have, whoring myself to Red John's trollop and in the end, nothing really to show for it... My bloody arrogance has been my downfall once again, right, Lisbon? I guess, I still havn't learnt my lesson. Idiotic, big-headed, self-righteous fool!"

She shook her head at his spiteful treatment of himself. Sadly, the only thing about it that astonished her was the fact, that he actually vocalized his thoughts for once. How anybody could believe this man to be truthfully self-confident underneath all his masks, she would never know. She had been watching him punishing himself for years now, and he did so with such relentless vigor, it was a marvel to her that he wasn't completely damaged by now. She had long since come to the conclusion, that he had already been struggling with very deep-rooted guilt-issues long before Red John had killed his family. Something to do with his childhood, she reckoned, more precisely with his mother, because she had never ever heard him even mentioning her. For all she knew, he didn't have a mother at all. And the little she knew about his father wasn't reassuring either. But that didn't matter right now. Now, she had to get him out of his bout of self-reproaching, before it got out of hand:

„At least I can see, that your superior abilities at self-flagellation are still intact, Jane. Cut yourself some slack, will you? You can't predict every conspiracy. And let's face it: Red John is the one who holds most of the cards. I've come to understand and – at least to a certain degree – to share your deep mistrust against almost everyone. As long as we adhere to the rules of human dignity, we'll always be a step behind someone willing to do absolutely anything to reach his goals. But I'm glad you're aware of the danger of turning into the very thing you're fighting."

He nodded his head yes: „I do, Lisbon, I do. But sometimes, I'm afraid, you're really the only thing keeping me from crossing that line." After a short pause he admitted: „At times, I surprise myself with the actions I seem to be willing to take to get him, it even scares me once in a while. Mostly, I find reasons to justify my deeds, like, that I'm doing it for Angela and Charlotte and that they're worth every act of self-abasement. But recently, especially after my lovely talk with my own subconscious, I have to admit, that I might've turned into a person, my wife and child wouldn't be very proud of." He fingered the golden ring on his left hand in a nervous gesture, his eyes full of sadness.

It nearly broke her heart to see him like that. In a soothing voice she tried to reassure and comfort him: „Oh, Jane, I think, they would understand. They wouldn't wish this kind of life on you, but they wouldn't condemn you either. They loved you, they would want you to be happy, I'm sure of it, because that's was love is all about. They wouldn't want you to spend your life chasing a monster, seeking vengeance. It doesn't mean that you should give up on your goal to find that bastard. Just, that there's no reason to put your whole life on hold. Sometimes, it seems like your think your only remaining purpose in life is to get him and to die either in the process or as a penalty for murdering him."

He conceded the point to her: „At times it really feels like that. Did you know that I actually swore an oath to myself after leaving the loony-bin, Lisbon? Spoken with the words of the Bard: ‚ Here on my knee I vow to God above, I'll never pause again, never stand still, Till either death hath closed these eyes of mine Or fortune given me measure of revenge.'"

The agent paused a bit, pondering the implications of the quoted oath, slightly puzzled at the ‚to God'-part of it, but decided against pointing it out. Instead she reminded him: „It's your own oath, you could easily adjust it to the changed circumstances. It gave you a reason to go on living at that point and I for one am happy you're still here. But you're not that man any longer."

„Are you sure of that?" he asked with honest curiosity.

„Absolutely, yes. Those times, when I see your genuine joy of life, you know, the way you appreciate small things like a good cup of tea, or a nice view somewhere in the countryside in the middle of a sordid homicide investigation, or the sight of a kid playing, or the smell of fresh fruit? Well, that's when I can see clearly, you're not completely consumed by your thoughts of vengeance."

She smiled at him: „I actually envy you that childlike ardor. You are so full of life and the thought, that you'd be willing to throw it all away, is scaring and hurting me."

After a short break she added: „And I'm sure your family would see it the same way. I dearly hope, that you'll find your closure with Red John and get the chance to live a life free of guilt afterwards. It's my deepest wish for you."

He sent a thankful smile in her direction: „You are a very good person, you know that, right, Lisbon? I'm really touched and I feel humbled by the fact that you havn't given up on me. And what you said, well, it's quite close to a lot of the things Charlotte told me during my nice field trip into the world of hallucinogenic drugs. So, my subconscious obviously seems to agree with you."

Another smile found its way to his mouth, but it was a rueful one this time: „Unfortunately, my conscious mind hasn't quite caught up with it yet. Maybe I'll get there, I don't know."

With a last heavy sigh, he decided to end the emotionally exhausting conversation: „Until that time: Are you still hungry and willing to take me home with you? I seem to feel a sudden childlike ardor to find out what's in your fridge and to whip up something extraordinary for my remarkable friend."

Lisbon recognized his need to change the subject immediately and silently agreed to cease it as well. In a lighter tone she mock-growled: „I should really punch you first, shouldn't I? For prowling around at my place and loitering on my couch without my knowledge and permission, but right now, I feel so weak from hunger, I'm not sure I have the necessary energy."

„Well, that leaves me between a rock and a hard place, doesn't it? Feeding you means, I'll actually assist in my own thrashing. But not feeding you now, will presumably only postpone the inevitable. Then again, maybe, just maybe, my cooking'll pacify you enough to go easy on me." He grinned, relieved to hear her teasing voice.

It was easy to get into their usual banter and for the first time since his return, it felt nearly like it used to do before: „You wish! There's no chance you'll manage to transform all those vegetables and that other healthy stuff into a gourmet meal!"

He seemed to feel it too, judging from the way his whole face lit up with boyish glee: „Have I just been challenged, my dear? In that case, dare accepted. Do you offer clemency, when I win?"

„If, Jane, if! And yes, I promise, should you convince me with your cooking, only a paddy whack for you – no pun intended."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 – Full of beans**

He jumped off the couch, grabbed her jacket and took her hand to pull her up off her chair and in the direction of the door: „Whatever are you waiting for? Come on, let's go, Lisbon! I love a good challenge! And I like to be at your place, preferably with you there as well, of course."

She laughed good-natured at his antics: „Who knows, maybe I'll even let you sleep on my couch as a consolation after the good hiding you'll have to face after dinner."

At that point in their conversation, they had reached the elevator and where on their way down to the parking lot.

„Gee, Lisbon, now I feel like a really naughty boy. Are you going to give me a hug afterwards, you know, so I'll know, I'm absolved?" And sure enough, at that very moment, despite his forty-something years, he looked eerily like a little rascal.

She knew, she had always had a difficult time resisting his charm. Yes, she certainly had more than one soft spot for him. In her sporadic but brutal moments of complete forthrightness with herself, she had admitted to the fact, that there was even more to it. But she wasn't ready yet, to examine the true nature of her feelings for him. And it reminded her of all the reasons why it was so hard not to take part in his endless scheming. But after Vegas, she had decided to at least try to hold him in check a bit. After his reinstatement as a consultant, she'd made it quite clear to him, that she wouldn't tolerate all of his unprofessional behavior anymore. When he had kissed Lorelei and had had the audacity to accuse her of eavesdropping, she'd actually managed to remind him of those limits for once. And she was proud of it. At last, she had made it plain to him, that she wasn't ready to be a pushover any longer. It would certainly take some time for him to get used to this new development, but she was determined to go through with it. So, to admonish him not to push the boundaries too far, she told him: „I'm not sure you deserve a hug, Jane. And besides, we're talking about punishment here. I didn't say anything about forgiveness. I'm not certain I'm ready for that yet. Hurting you, on the other hand sounds like a rather tempting occupation."

With his best irritatingly self-righteous voice he stated: „Ah, but then again, soon, you will be so blown away by my cooking skills that the last thing on your mind will be acts of pointless violence against my person. But I might still take you up on your couch offer."

„Be careful, blatherskite! You know what they say about overconfidence and downfalls..."

„Oh, but I do know how to bewitch you with my culinary art, it's not overconfidence, it's an incontrovertible fact."

They had arrived at Lisbon's car and after she had taken her seat at the wheel, they parted ways, so Jane could take his own vehicle to her apartment. „See you in a few, Lisbon." he said in way of a farewell.

About fifteen minutes later, they reunited at her front-door: „Ah, my dear, I hope, you're full of anticipation! The best treat you've ever had is but a stone's throw away!"

As they entered her living-room, she couldn't help but chuckle at his obvious verve. Teasingly she replied: „Let me be the judge of it, boy wonder! Now, that we're here, why don't you go to the kitchen, check out the range of products on offer, design the menu and slave away at the stove, while I take a long hot bath? By the way, I expect three courses at least."

He bantered right back: „Yes, I'll do that, yes, you should really do that and no problem. I could even serve you an appetizer in the tub. But, I guess your needless pudency won't allow for that – a pity, really..."

„You're insufferable, you know that, don't you, and you don't own any shame, right? Trying to steal a peep at me during my bath, honestly, Jane!" She faked indignation.

Smirking cheekily he whined: „Come on, Lisbon, have some faith! You could use loads and loads of bubbles to obscure all those unmentionable parts of your doubtlessly delightful anatomy, that you're too shy to expose." And in a perilously alluring tone he added: „Just imagine, a nice glass of wine and some tasty morsels to go with it, all served to you in your home spa by your humble servant for the night."

She had to admit, it was a tempting offer. But she felt quite apprehensive about accepting it. Patrick Jane in the same room with her naked and helpless in a bath-tub was a truly hazardous combination. In the end, she gave in to the allure of it: „Well, if you put it like that... I'll think about it. Why don't you make good on your word first, prepare something and then you'll knock on the bathroom door – you know how to knock, don't you, at least, theoretically, I hope? And you'll ask, very politely, whether I'm decent or not, and only when I give you the explicit go-ahead, you'll enter. Got that?"

„Absolutely, ma'am. And just to be sure we're on the same page, with knocking you mean to actually physically use one of my extremities to make noise at the wooden delimitation of your bathing facilities?"

His shit-eating grin was exceedingly hard to bear: „Jaaaaaaaaaane! Go to the kitchen, before I collect my last energy reserves and punch you now!"

He had the audacity to giggle. Turning in the direction of the kitchen he muttered: „Gee, woman, you sure are rowdyish tonight! I'm off, I'm off!

3


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 – The milk of human kindness**

Three hours and four courses later, if one counted the appetizer as well, Lisbon, a mug of coffee in her hand, and Jane, sipping his traditional tea, sat lazily on her couch in contented silence. Suddenly, she groaned: „Oh my, I'm so full, I doubt I'll be able to eat anything ever again! And I can't even bring myself to move my pinky! I admit defeat, Jane, I've truthfully never eaten a more delicious meal in my life! You know, you could work as a chef somewhere! And you even had to use all those dreadfully healthy ingredients! I can't even begin to imagine what you would be capable of with groceries of your own choice! There's really not much that you do half-assed, is there? I guess, you could achieve just about anything if you got your head down on it...It's scary, you know?"

„Before I answer that, Lisbon, you are too full to follow through with that beating stuff, yes?" he asked carefully.

„Yes, you conniving bastard, just like you planned right from the start! I should've known not to bet with you! But yes, alright, you get a full pardon if you cook dinner for me at least once a week from now on – as long as work allows for it, of course."

Smug came not even close to describing his expression: „Well, Lisbon, it would be my pleasure! I knew that some day adding 72.5 cooking books to my memory-palace would pay off. But I'll only do it, if I get to sleep on your couch afterwards."

She had no choice but to accommodate him: „Yeah, fine, if that's what it takes..."

„Heh, I could even throw in breakfast! You havn't really lived before you've found out what I can do with eggs, my dear!" he offered happily.

„Plus coffee in bed and we have a deal!" she conceded reluctantly.

„You drive a hard bargain, Lisbon, but okay, I give in. Do I get to leave some clothes in your closet as well?" he added cheekily,

„Jeez! Why don't you just move in, Jane? You're already feeling completely at home as it is..." she snarled acidly.

Ignoring her obviously scathing voice, he exclaimed enthusiastically: „I'd love to, Lisbon, what a splendid idea! I didn't know you enjoyed my presence that much."

„Ever heard of sarcasm?" she deadpanned.

He carried on with his total disregard for the true meaning of her statement. With a grin, he lectured in a smart-ass voice: „Sarcasm, the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded. Dostojevski, I think. Oh, and I like this one: A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility. And I won't bore you with the old Oscar Wilde one about sarcasm being the lowest form of wit."

„Haha, Jane, very funny."

„I guess that was meant to be sarcastic again? Alright, I get it, I won't call the movers any time soon." A bit of earnest sadness crept into his eyes. But to cover up his slight disappointment, he went back to his impertinent tone: „Now, I'm rather tired. So, if you'd be kind enough to remove your lovely behind from my couch, I'd be eternally grateful."

Lisbon didn't really know what to make of the moment of mournfulness she'd noticed on his face. She decided to ignore it and continued with their light banter: „This is still my couch, mister, and don't you forget it! Incidentally, I'm tired as well and therefore, and only therefore, I'll comply with your wishes. I want my coffee at half past six and not a minute late."

„So demanding, Lisbon. You do remember though, it's a Saturday tomorrow and you have the weekend off. But if you insist – I'm quite sure I'll be up in any case."

His mien had turned gleeful again and she had to acknowledge that sometimes, it was very hard not to slap him: „Damn, I really forgot. Don't you dare wake me that early, Jane! I'll holler, when I want my coffee."

He gave her a mocking: „Aye, aye, ma'am. I'll be your most humble servant." while she forced herself to get up from the sofa with a moan, before she turned in the direction of her stairs.

Jane continued soberly: „Anyway, I wish you a pleasant night and sweet dreams. Thanks for having me, I really appreciate it."

„Good night, Jane." she said warmly. „And try to actually get some sleep, will you? You look really exhausted. I'll get you some bedding. I might even have a spare tooth-brush somewhere."

„That's not necessary. I've got all my stuff in my car. I'll just go and get a few essentials. May I take your keys?" he inquired politely.

„Good of you to ask this time. Yes, but make sure to give them back. And Jane? What do you mean, you have all your stuff in the car? Where the hell have you been staying since coming back from Vegas?" she queried with concern.

He gave her a rather cagey answer: „Oh, you know, here and there. Nowhere in particular." At her grim look, he appended: „The attic, mostly. My old motel didn't have any vacancies and I havn't found the time to look for another place. Nothing to worry about."

„It's been what? Nearly a month since you slept in a decent place? You've got to be kidding!" She was really miffed now.

„Ah, Lisbon, it's really no big deal. You know I don't sleep much anyway. Actually a total waste of money to rent anything, I'll hardly spend any time there in any event. So, it's not been one of my priorities." He tried to downplay the situation.

She felt like a fool for not seeing it earlier. She should've known he'd return to his usual behavior patterns: „I don't like it one bit, Jane! Why are you doing this to yourself? Stop denying yourself even the most basic comforts! You're punishing yourself, aren't you?" He shrugged non-committedly and she continued: „Because you feel even more guilty now, after everything that happened in Vegas. Because of Lorelei, because of me and because of Rigsby's relationship coming apart, which, by the way wasn't your fault at all. Your plan might have been the last trigger. But let's face it: We both know, he never loved Sarah, they never had that kind of chemistry. Ben was the only thing still keeping them together. And as for me – we did mend fences today, didn't we? So stop with the self-punishing, okay?"

„I can give it a try, can't promise anything though. And Lisbon, I'm glad we talked. And cleared things up a bit. It might not always seem like it, but I honestly care about you and our friendship, probably more than you'd ever believe." The last part had been uttered almost inaudibly.

„Oh, I think I'm not exactly clueless. And in the name of our renewed friendship: We'll go apartment-hunting tomorrow! I've had it with those shabby, impersonal motel rooms of yours. You might not be ready to move on, but you need a place to call something like home. I know, you need that feeling of not settling down to relentlessly remind you of your one true mission. That you think, you have no right to go on with your life until you've taken revenge. But you have to accept that you're stuck with us a while longer, there's no denying it. It's been nearly ten years now and, frankly, it's starting to get ridiculous."

She had used a very authoritative tone for her little speech and it had obviously served its purpose. Jane's voice sounded rather meek and his eyes were sad again when he objected: „I don't know, Lisbon. I'm not comfortable with that thought. My own place? Take up residence somewhere on my own? I'm not sure I'm ready for that. It sounds pretty lonely to me. I sleep best, when there're other people around, like in the bullpen. Even the attic isn't too bad a place in that respect – I can listen to the noises from the cleaning stuff and the night shift. It's reassuring somehow. I used my motel room mostly for showers and to keep my clothes in an actual closet anyway, so I wouldn't look like a total tramp." He tried to grin at that point, but he didn't really succeed: „You know, I have hardly any belongings and I don't need a whole apartment to stash them. My car's big enough and I've been using the showers at the CBI holding cells in the basement. So, no house-hunting necessary." And in a last attempt to reassure her he added: „I'm fine, Lisbon, really. I'm sure, we can find something a lot more entertaining to occupy your day off with."

Now, she was really indignant over his total disregard for his own well-being: „No, Jane! I insist! You can't go on like that! My best friend's not going to live like a homeless person, well, you are actually a homeless person, by choice. But it ends here and now, mister! I've had it with your self-hate and this self-destructive behavior! I've had to stand by and let you destroy yourself when you where in Vegas. I thought it was the right thing to do. That you had to hit the bottom and then, hopefully, would ask for help. But at least, I didn't have to actually watch it. But I won't stand on the sidelines this time around! You deserve a home with a real bed, a decent bathroom and a kitchen, and a couch, of course. And until we've found it, you'll stay with me. Got that?"

And in his usual way of deflection, he tried to lighten the mood with a flippant remark: „So, I get to leave my clothes in your closet after all..." When she didn't react to it, he changed tactics again and offered her the truth: „But seriously, Lisbon, I understand what you're saying. You make some good points, but I'm just not ready for this living alone business. Especially after the time in Vegas. I was really, really lonely there and it very nearly killed me. If I've learnt one thing during those months, it's that I'm not an island." Only half-jokingly he added: „And that's completely your fault, by the way! You've corrupted me with all that caring and mothering of yours over the years."

She realized, just how serious he was in his confession of loneliness and despair. And she understood suddenly, why she'd seen that glint of sadness in his eyes earlier, when she'd refused his joking request to stash some clothes in her closet. He'd actually been sincere: „Oh, Jane! What am I supposed to do with you? Here I had all those arguments neatly arranged to convince you of getting a real apartment, and then you come out and say things like that." She was confronted with an inner struggle. Was she ready to invite him into her home on a more permanent basis? Could she endure to have him so close to her all the time, or was it nothing but a disaster in the making? How long would it take him to drive her crazy? Or would the close proximity force her to face her real feelings for him? On the other hand, would she be able to go on in her usual manner knowing that her friend was suffering from insomnia and loneliness and spent his nights in a dusty attic or who knew where, just to avoid being alone? Reaching a private decision she sighed: „Guess, you're moving in with me after all, because I can't live with the alternatives. We'll have to procure a bed to put into my spare room for you. I don't use it much anyway. Maybe you'll feel more comfortable about getting your own place in a few weeks, when things have restored themselves a bit more to normality."

He looked rather sheepish after her generous offer: „That's really very kind of you, but I wouldn't want to intrude on your privacy like that or exploit your goodness. I really don't want to be a bother. I'll be fine staying in the attic or the car for the present. And when I feel back to normal in a few weeks, I promise I'll find a place to stay more permanently."

She had already decided not to budge this time: „That's out of the question! And don't worry, you won't be a bother – I'll make sure you make yourself useful. If you can't agree to it for your own sake, do it for me, because I can't bear the thought of you in that dirty man-cave of yours!"

And, once again, he tried to cover up his embarrassment with a jest: „Ha, you only want someone to bring you coffee to bed every morning, I've figured you out! On the other hand, if it makes you that happy, who am I to deprive you of my delightful company? But a fair warning: It's very dangerous to take in stray puppies. They tend to grow on you and you'll never get rid of them again! And vice versa."

Though said in jest, what he did convey with it, was actually a real possibility. But she knew, he probably couldn't take more discomfort at the moment, so she decided to respond to his banter instead: „I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I can always drown you, you know?"

„Last time someone tried, I became even more annoying afterwards, or so I've been told. Are you ready to risk that, my dear?"

She was relieved to see that his good humor seemed to be restored and answered: „I think, I'll take my chances. Now, let's go to that clunker of yours and get your stuff for the night. I am still tired, but at least I feel like I'll be able to move again. I honestly thought, that wonderful pear-crumble of yours would be the death of me – and what a way to go it would've been!"

„Teresa Lisbon – death by gluttony, may the worms enjoy the leftovers." he proclaimed.

She shook her head and rolled her eyes: „You're getting creepy again, Jane. And besides, I plan to have those leftovers for breakfast."

„Not the leftovers I was talking about..." he snickered.

„You're disgusting! I don't know why I'm putting up with you." she mocked him.

Only half-jokingly he replied: „Neither do I, but I'm damn glad you do, Lisbon."

„You better be!"

They had managed to leave the apartment and were halfway to his car, when he spoke up again: „Mhm, Lisbon? You think Rigsby's okay? I'd actually planned to pay him a visit tonight, before you came up with your little dinner project. Thought, he might need a sympathetic ear or something. But I'm not sure, I would have been welcome anyway. He must be rip shit pissed at me because of the whole Sarah situation."

„No, he's not." she uttered emphatically. „I think, in fact you are the only one blaming you for it. Before the incident with his father came to the fore, he was actually worried about you. He asked me, if I thought, it would be a good idea to take you on a night out with the boys to cheer you up a bit."

„Oh, no, please kill me now! Don't tell me that I've been so obvious about it that even Mr. Unsusceptible spotted it! I'm losing my touch." he moaned.

„Hush! We just know you well. And it's hard to miss such things with people you're close to. But back to your question: I think, he'll be alright. It might take a while, but he'll get there. From what he's told me, he managed to kind of make up with his dad before he died. And your little set-up gave him some closure as well."

At this point, she changed her demeanor and decided to remind him of their new agreement regarding boundaries: „But, please, Jane, this whole taking the law into our own hands stuff is getting a bit out of control. You meant well and I know, Rigsby's actions were justified, because he acted in self-defense. And I'm quite sure, he would've acted like an officer of the law in any circumstance, but we both know, that he shouldn't have been there in the first place. Don't do such a thing again. He could've really gotten in trouble. And you knew very well, he was emotionally unstable. I don't want another member of my team on some obsessive road of self-destruction for the sake of revenge."

They'd reached his car and after he had opened the trunk, they snatch a couple of bags each, effectively emptying it of Jane's possesions. While returning to her home, he replied with his usual devil-may-care attitude: „It seemed like the logical thing to do at the time."

But she could sense that he was actually apologetic for once and didn't reprimand him any further. She decided to tease him some more instead: „Of course, and the fact that it might get you into Wayne's good graces again, didn't factor in at all, right?"

„Gee, I've turned into an open book, an OPEN book! Why don't I just print t-shirts with ‚I'm a needy wimp, please forgive me' on it? I couldn't be more obvious anyway..." he whined.

They reentered her living room and dropped his luggage on the coffee table. She couldn't stop herself from chaffing him some more: „I think it's rather sweet, actually. A very dumb way of doing it, but you are a man after all. I mean, why do the sensible thing and just apologize, when there're so many other completely stupid options available? You could've found out weeks ago, that he isn't even mad at you anymore. But no – you rather come up with elaborate schemes for him to catch his father's killer. It's cute, really. Daft as hell, but cute."

„I am NOT cute!" he exclaimed in indignation, following her into her storeroom, where she produced some bedding for him.

„Oh, but you are! Puppy-dog cute in fact! Most of the female population would readily agree with me – at least until you open your mouth and start to insult them. Fortunately for me, this little puppy will find its dog basket only on my couch. So, chop-chop, little fellow! Be a good boy, brush your teeth and off to bed with you, cutie!" She laughed out loud at his pout and started to make up his bed on the sofa.

„I've never been so insulted before, Lisbon! Honestly, no reason to strip away all my manly pride in one sweep. I think, I'll retire to my basket and lick my wounds in solitude now. Good night, sweet pie!" He lay down on the couch, still sulking.

She could hardly resist to pet him at this point: „Good night, caddy-Paddy. See you in the morning, preferably with a cup of coffee in your paws."

„Yeah, and I might even wag my tail and lick your face if you ask nicely." he retorted snootily.

„You always have to have the last word, I suppose, you just can't help it."

He offered her an affirmative: „Woof, woof!"

„Shoo!" she pronounced with finality.

And as if by a miracle, he actually remained silent.

8


End file.
